Reluctant Return

It's been a while.  When I first started this blog, I was worried about who would see it, but now I realize that it doesn't matter who sees it.  As long as I am being true to myself then I will be able to endure any ridicule that might follow as a result of my writing.  With this in mind, I have returned.

Returning to my blog "Discoveries" isn't the only source of the reluctant feeling that I have today.  Today is also the first day that I return to my day job.  Walking through those doors in a few hours is not going to be like all the previous times that I performed that action.  This time I feel different.  Different how you might ask.  Well the only way I can explain it is that I feel more alive.  I feel more like a woman, a woman with a vision, a woman with a heart full of love and appreciation.  The difference also grows from knowing that there are many other beneficial things that are competing for my time, therefore my time in the office is precious and I will strive even harder to make it meaningful.

So I return to work, a bit reluctant to put my son in a room with about 6 other infants and two caring woman for the day.  I return to this blog, a bit reluctant to share my thoughts with the world for fear of who might read it.  While sitting in my favorite room in the house, on a dark rainy morning with my mac in my lap; a feeling of intimate privacy is with me.  I hope this feeling lends itself well to my blog and it's future and not to my demise.

Time to get my 8 week old son ready for his big day!  Here's a picture of him doing what he does best, being cute!

Enslaved by an Absence

I have always taken horoscopes with a grain of salt.  While I do believe we are influenced by the cosmos, most horoscopes seem contrived and not worth reading.  However, I have found an astrologer worth subscribing to named Rob Brezsny, his work can be found at http://FreeWillAstrology.com   


This week's newsletter from Rob Brezsny speaks to my current situation better than I can explain.  It goes something like this: "'In the absence of clearly-defined goals,' said Cancerian writer Robert Heinlein, 'we become strangely loyal to 
performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it.'"  Then Rob Brezsny goes on to encourage us fellow Cancerians to address this problem because we are more powerful than we know and are very capable of identifying and defining worthy goals.  Then he finishes with "If you take advantage of this opportunity, you will find a better use for the energy that's currently locked up in your enslavement 
to daily trivia."


Wow!  Through some recent introspection, I have found myself partially enslaved in my 9 - 5 by running a program that I am not an expert on, nor do I want to be an expert in this particular realm.  I have contemplated who I would talk to about this and what I would say, but I haven't taken that next step due to the "what ifs".  


Running this particular program was never a goal of mine, it simply fell in my lap because the person who previously ran it was leaving.  I was asked to take it over, I agreed on a temporary basis and now 10 months later, it's my program.  


By taking on this program, I compromised my goal of running an urban farm/community garden program.  Yes, I have become strangely loyal to performing the daily trivia of this program because I value my reputation.  But I fear in the end, my lack of knowledge in this program's realm is actually working against me and my good name.  I can no longer attend meetings with professionals in this realm and fain indifference.


Time to take the bull by the proverbial horns and talk to the powers that be and become free of this enslaving program and follow my clearly defined goal.

Ordinary Moments of Mystic Union

Stephen Cope, author of "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self" writes that almost everyone has had at least one experience which he calls ordinary moments of mystic union.  He writes that these moments seem to happen when we are neither grasping nor resisting experiences, but when we are able to surrender to the way things are, enabling simple manifestations of our basic nature.  He states that anyone that has had such moments are changed by them forever.

I have had such moments.  They seem to happen during musical experiences usually at a festival and during a super long set at a phish show.  They were almost in reach when I was singing regularly with other musicians.  At one particular festival (Bonnaroo) laying on my stomach beneath a large tree with Medeski Martin and Wood in one ear and the Flaming Lips in another, I felt the heart beat of creation in my core.  This experience was validated when I read an 8th grade novel called "Esperanza Waiting" (or something similar) with a student of mine.  

Another time in my life when ordinary moments of mystic union seemed to be most frequent was when I was living alone on a large horse farm in North Carolina.  My time on the farm in NC was filled with self discovery.  This is where I first learned how to garden, cook, practice yoga and be content with myself.  On this farm, I couldn't get basic cable.  Without having the mind numbing past time of sitting in front of a screen, I found myself reading, writing, putting together puzzles and as I mentioned above, cooking, gardening and practicing yoga.

I was in my mid to late 20's during this time and it was a great period of self discovery.  I look back on this time with admiration.  I often wish I could manifest this mindset today, but I am not sure how to do it.  So I've started with watching less tv, (since my husband isn't ok with getting rid of it all together), reading and writing more and I'm going to get back into a yoga routine.

Hopefully, as I surrender further into the way things are, I will manifest my basic nature and become luminous, clear, awake and whole once again.