Reluctant Return

It's been a while.  When I first started this blog, I was worried about who would see it, but now I realize that it doesn't matter who sees it.  As long as I am being true to myself then I will be able to endure any ridicule that might follow as a result of my writing.  With this in mind, I have returned.

Returning to my blog "Discoveries" isn't the only source of the reluctant feeling that I have today.  Today is also the first day that I return to my day job.  Walking through those doors in a few hours is not going to be like all the previous times that I performed that action.  This time I feel different.  Different how you might ask.  Well the only way I can explain it is that I feel more alive.  I feel more like a woman, a woman with a vision, a woman with a heart full of love and appreciation.  The difference also grows from knowing that there are many other beneficial things that are competing for my time, therefore my time in the office is precious and I will strive even harder to make it meaningful.

So I return to work, a bit reluctant to put my son in a room with about 6 other infants and two caring woman for the day.  I return to this blog, a bit reluctant to share my thoughts with the world for fear of who might read it.  While sitting in my favorite room in the house, on a dark rainy morning with my mac in my lap; a feeling of intimate privacy is with me.  I hope this feeling lends itself well to my blog and it's future and not to my demise.

Time to get my 8 week old son ready for his big day!  Here's a picture of him doing what he does best, being cute!

Enslaved by an Absence

I have always taken horoscopes with a grain of salt.  While I do believe we are influenced by the cosmos, most horoscopes seem contrived and not worth reading.  However, I have found an astrologer worth subscribing to named Rob Brezsny, his work can be found at http://FreeWillAstrology.com   


This week's newsletter from Rob Brezsny speaks to my current situation better than I can explain.  It goes something like this: "'In the absence of clearly-defined goals,' said Cancerian writer Robert Heinlein, 'we become strangely loyal to 
performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it.'"  Then Rob Brezsny goes on to encourage us fellow Cancerians to address this problem because we are more powerful than we know and are very capable of identifying and defining worthy goals.  Then he finishes with "If you take advantage of this opportunity, you will find a better use for the energy that's currently locked up in your enslavement 
to daily trivia."


Wow!  Through some recent introspection, I have found myself partially enslaved in my 9 - 5 by running a program that I am not an expert on, nor do I want to be an expert in this particular realm.  I have contemplated who I would talk to about this and what I would say, but I haven't taken that next step due to the "what ifs".  


Running this particular program was never a goal of mine, it simply fell in my lap because the person who previously ran it was leaving.  I was asked to take it over, I agreed on a temporary basis and now 10 months later, it's my program.  


By taking on this program, I compromised my goal of running an urban farm/community garden program.  Yes, I have become strangely loyal to performing the daily trivia of this program because I value my reputation.  But I fear in the end, my lack of knowledge in this program's realm is actually working against me and my good name.  I can no longer attend meetings with professionals in this realm and fain indifference.


Time to take the bull by the proverbial horns and talk to the powers that be and become free of this enslaving program and follow my clearly defined goal.

Ordinary Moments of Mystic Union

Stephen Cope, author of "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self" writes that almost everyone has had at least one experience which he calls ordinary moments of mystic union.  He writes that these moments seem to happen when we are neither grasping nor resisting experiences, but when we are able to surrender to the way things are, enabling simple manifestations of our basic nature.  He states that anyone that has had such moments are changed by them forever.

I have had such moments.  They seem to happen during musical experiences usually at a festival and during a super long set at a phish show.  They were almost in reach when I was singing regularly with other musicians.  At one particular festival (Bonnaroo) laying on my stomach beneath a large tree with Medeski Martin and Wood in one ear and the Flaming Lips in another, I felt the heart beat of creation in my core.  This experience was validated when I read an 8th grade novel called "Esperanza Waiting" (or something similar) with a student of mine.  

Another time in my life when ordinary moments of mystic union seemed to be most frequent was when I was living alone on a large horse farm in North Carolina.  My time on the farm in NC was filled with self discovery.  This is where I first learned how to garden, cook, practice yoga and be content with myself.  On this farm, I couldn't get basic cable.  Without having the mind numbing past time of sitting in front of a screen, I found myself reading, writing, putting together puzzles and as I mentioned above, cooking, gardening and practicing yoga.

I was in my mid to late 20's during this time and it was a great period of self discovery.  I look back on this time with admiration.  I often wish I could manifest this mindset today, but I am not sure how to do it.  So I've started with watching less tv, (since my husband isn't ok with getting rid of it all together), reading and writing more and I'm going to get back into a yoga routine.

Hopefully, as I surrender further into the way things are, I will manifest my basic nature and become luminous, clear, awake and whole once again.

Making Grammy Proud

Growing up, I was fortunate to have had four great grandparents and three grandparents in the same town as me.  I spent a lot of time with my three grandparents: Grammy, Mimi and Pappy.  I could write an entire book about my Mimi and Pappy but not tonight.  This blog is for Grammy.  

Grammy was a unique individual with a lot of love for her family, a love for traveling, flee markets, gaudy jewelry, dancing, happy hour when most of us are having a mid morning snack and she had a potty mouth.  I am a lot like her.  One particular quirk of hers, which could be attributed to growing up during the depression, was if something was “free” she would always take more than her share.  

Any thing was open season; mini shampoos and soaps from hotels, jelly packets and mini catsup bottles from diners, coasters from pubs, etc. Now I know most of you are thinking “who doesn’t take the shampoo from the hotel?”  Grammy didn’t just take the remaining shampoo that she already used during her stay.  She would make sure that me, my sister, and our two cousins would hit up the maid cart every time it was in the hallway for fresh shampoos, toothpastes, etc.  This is the same lady who would bring a special purse lined with gallon sized ziplock baggies to a buffet.  Yes, you can say that she pushed the envelope.  

 A few years ago, my sister developed a plan for family style restaurants that would make Grammy proud.  Our favorite family style restaurants are Carmine’s or Maggiano’s.  Carmine’s in is NYC and Atlantic City and the nearest Maggiano’s is in King of Prussia.  The system goes something like this: my sister plans ahead and brings a cooler on the trip and leaves it in the car or hotel room.  She brings the cooler because we have devised a way to ensure that we have enough leftovers for at least four to six extra meals. and well, a bag just isn’t adequate when your talking about such a large quantity of food.  

Recently, my husband and I joined my father and his lovely wife for lunch at a family style restaurant at the Carmine’s in AC.  (My sister wasn’t with us, but you better believe I had a cooler.  I was there for the weekend to celebrate halloween and experience three nights of Phish.  The cooler was a must have.) So when it came time for our food to arrive, after having our fill and enjoying every bite of it, the four of us systematically divided the remaining amount of food from the “community” plate so we could ask for another round of food.  That’s the beauty about family style restaurants, they keep bringing it out if you ask!  

Of course we were all stuffed, but we couldn’t just leave a fresh plate of penne with vodka sauce or chicken parmesan untouched, we did just ask the waiter for it after all.  We did what any person with a good conscious would do, we decided who would eat the obligatory bite.  Then my father assigned me with the task of rearranging the food so it looked like we ate more than the obligatory bite.  This rearranging of the food is an art form.  It was one I perfected as a child and forgot about until my father reminded me of it on this lovely family luncheon.  

When the meal was over, our obligatory bites consumed, left overs rearranged then boxed up we walked out of there with enough food to feed us and our sleeping friend at the hotel room for the next two days!  I’m pretty sure some ethical lines were danced upon, but when you do it in memory of Grammy, it all seems ok.  Mangia! Mangia!

The Making of the "Dewme Decibel System"

 During my college years, I was fortunate and found a solid group of friends.  A little over a decade later, that group of friends has evolved and we still function as a cohesive group.  We have many goals that we succeed with accomplishing like ski trips, live music trips, camping, beach weekends, annual parties, etc. 

Often times when we get together we end up playing music.  It’s usually Slosh and Alex on guitar, with Prime Printer Dave making guest appearances from time to time.  Shuman and Scott on percussion, Ralphy on banjo, Jeff on keys or any random instrument that he may have found at a second hand store, your’s truly on percussion and anyone on vocals.  

It’s the highlight of most get togethers.  Slosh will play “The Hit” because, well, it’s the shit.  And then he and Alex will always play some Ween and Talking Heads with lots of improv somewhere in between.  These sessions lead me to create a band in my mind called “The Dewme Decibel System”.  For years now, this group of friends has been talking about the Dewme Decibel System, but I could never get it to go further than talk. 

After a great talk with my friend Natalie, I realized that I wanted more than unorganized, infrequent jamming.  I wanted to be part of a regimented group of music creators.  That’s when I stumbled upon Mike.  He has all the necessary equipment and practice studio, lots of experience and talent, and the goal of making something happen musically.  We practiced with Paul, who played bass, and tested out different drummers.  Eventually Ryan came along, blew our socks off and he happened to have a friend, Andy, that he plays sax with who was also very good.  Unfortunately, Paul didn’t work out, we found Axl and together: me, Mike, Ryan, Andy and Axl became Biscuits and Groovy.  We practiced covers, would improv with ease and were fairly regimented.  I learned quite a few important things about myself and about performing during the time I spent with Biscuits and Groovy.  After a about a year of practicing and two or three gigs, Biscuits and Groovy and I are parting ways.  

With all that being said, my next adventure (in addition to photography) is going to be the resurgence of the Dewme Decibel System.  With the commitment of handshakes, this group is going to consist of me on vocals, hand percussions and dancing,  Scott on the mixer, Ryan on drums, Prime Printer Dave on bass, Alex on guitar and vocals and it’s going to be the SHIT!  I’m envisioning a home grown, singer songwriter version of Portishead meets Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros meets Jenny Lewis meets Scissor Sisters.  I am looking forward to what will come of this ever evolving experiment of entertaining.  The basic knowledge that I was born to be on stage is my driving force.  

I’d wish for luck, but I know better.  Once preparation meets timing, that’s when you’ll be privy to the works of the evolving Dewme Decibel System.  Until then, any contributions, tips or support you would feel inclined to provide would be appreciated.

UPDATE (12/11): My goal was ambitious.  The Dewme Decibal System still only exists in my mind, but about three times a year, it becomes a reality and when that happens, it sure feels great!

Jack of All Trades, Master of ?

I recently read a quote from Elbert Hubbard that said “Enthusiasm is the great hill climber.”  This made me realize that there are many experiences that I have had due to this enthusiasm and positive attitude.  I have been willing to take on many challenges and I have been willing to fill many roles that I may not have had any business filling.  My enthusiasm has turned me into a “jack of all trades, a master of none”.  

I think of it also as a zest for life.  Some examples of where this zest for life has lead me are making paintings, photography, singing, creating music, crafting with gourds, wood working, event planning, cooking, yoga, gardening, dancing, traveling, writing, teaching, and on and on.  The tricky part about this is that each of these “hobbies” if pursued to mastery have the potential to earn income.  So now I am faced with the decision of which hobby to spend my time on with the goal of earning additional income. 

Do I invest time and money into becoming a musician?  Do I invest time and money into producing photographs and art?  Do I invest time and money into becoming a certified yoga instructor?  Do I try to run my own event planning business?  Each of these avenues would be fulfilling, but which would be the most lucrative?  

Right now I am leaning toward photography, but I am having a hard time committing to it.  I know if I commit to it then I will have to give up my dream of performing and entertaining.  Living a life with one foot in one direction and another foot in the other is going to get me no where.  So as I finish this blog, I am convincing myself that it is finally time to commit to at least one of my dreams, put in the work and time and make it happen, once and for all.  

For those of you that might find yourself at similar crossroads, I wish you well and would like to learn about your options and notions.

Bold Enough to Join the Voyage



When reflecting upon my past investments, it has become obvious that I have invested most of my monetaryearnings and a significant amount of time into the experience of live music.  Please, let me explain. 

At an early age, I would go with friend’s parents or take a bus to see concerts at the Bryce Jordan Center at PSU.  I was lucky enough to see the Eagles, Bush, the Smashing Pumpkins just 50 minutes away from my home town of Altoona.  Then when I turned 16 and got my license.  I would take road trips to Pittsburgh’s Star Lake Ampitheather, now called the Post Gazzette Pavilion I believe, and I experienced everything from the Lillith Fair to Jimmy Buffet to the Dave Matthews Band to Lenny Kravitz (my high school heart throb).  

As I became more independent, graduated from college, lived in Spain for a brief three months and then lived in North Carolina, I found myself going on more adventurous musical journeys.  These adventures,  mostly planned by my dear friend Travis, began with a five day tour with Phish.  The first show was in Camden, NJ, then two nights in Toronto, Canada and the final night in Pittsburgh which happened to coincide with my 21st birthday.  

I can’t quite explain the spark that was ignited from this first major musical adventure.  Maybe it was the many smiles of acceptance and words of encouragement I received from total strangers, the freedom to showcase some dance moves that had yet to see the light of day, the makeshift family that sprouted effortlessly from the crew that was bold enough to join the voyage.  What ever it was, it was good and my soul shined brightly with each drum solo.

These experiences that I am describing aren’t held captive by a few.  They are out there open for you and anyone willing to experience them.  Go to an event, a local concert, a weekend get away with live music as the focus, go to a weekend long music festival.  You will find that everyone is called there with the hope of having a similar experience.  That’s the funny thing about hope; it starts as a thought, then becomes action and eventually you find yourself living out your hopes and dreams.

Some go to church, other’s go to the casino, some run.  Me?  I dance.  When I dance, I am free.  Music touches my soul, as I am sure it does for many people.  Music is a major part of religious ceremonies.  When played correctly, the only way to describe it is “Divine”.  

I am fascinated with the divine and I see it all around me, each and every day.  Stay tuned for a future blog on recognizing the divine in every day life.  Keep dancing!